One common phrase women use during sex may sound encouraging, but some men say it does just the opposite, turning passion into \u201cperformance pressure.\u201d<\/p>\n
Talking about likes and dislikes in the bedroom is often seen as a good thing, with couples encouraged to communicate openly about everything from pace to positions and what feels good.
\nBut according to sex experts and men sharing their experiences online, one phrase that sounds supportive can sometimes have the opposite effect.
\n\u2018Triggers an insecurity\u2019
\nFor some men, hearing the words \u201cDon\u2019t stop, harder\u201d creates pressure rather than excitement.
\nOne Reddit user admitted the phrase is something he hears frequently from female partners, especially during rougher sex, but said it can leave him feeling like he has to push himself beyond what feels natural.<\/p>\n
\u201cAs a male I often hear this from my female partners,\u201d he wrote.<\/p>\n
Rather than taking the words as praise, he said he feels compelled to give everything he has, even when it becomes uncomfortable.<\/p>\n
\u201cI seem to give it my all in these moments until it becomes uncomfortable which at times I lose the erection. It just triggers an insecurity that I may be a disappointment sexually,\u201d the netizen explained.<\/p>\n
\u2018Performance pressure\u2019
\nAccording to sex and relationships expert Gigi Engle, reactions to the phrase vary widely. Plenty of men enjoy hearing it, she explained, but problems arise when people assume everyone responds to it the same way.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhere we run into a pitfall is assuming it\u2019s really hot [to hear this], when for some, they\u2019ll feel like they can\u2019t c*m too quickly or they\u2019ll be a failure,\u201d Engle said in a recent interview with Metro.<\/p>\n
\u201cOr they might be going as hard as they can and then feel like \u2018okay, I guess I\u2019m not good enough\u2019, so it can create performance pressure.\u201d<\/p>\n
That pressure is something Alec Williams, a BACP-registered psychotherapist who works with men dealing with relational trauma, says he sees regularly.<\/p>\n
\u201cFor many men, this can become a self-fulfilling cycle,\u201d Williams told Metro. \u201cThey focus so much on performance and \u2018getting it right\u2019 they get stuck in their own head.<\/p>\n
\u201cNaturally this can affect how their bodies respond, leading often to losing erections or not being able to orgasm, which creates more internal pressure for the next encounter.\u201d<\/p>\n
Shame spiral
\nPerformance anxiety isn\u2019t the only issue experts point to. In some cases, Engle said, the phrase can have the exact opposite effect, causing a man to \u201cprematurely ejaculate because of so much stimulation.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIf they\u2019re on the verge of ejaculating and you say, \u2018don\u2019t stop, harder,\u2019 they might just ejaculate, which can cause a shame spiral,\u201d she explained.<\/p>\n
Even without any mental pressure, trying to respond by increasing speed and intensity can simply become exhausting.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you\u2019re going harder or more vigorously than you\u2019d like to, it can wear you out and getting tired is going to make your erection go down, or cause delayed ejaculation,\u201d Engle said. \u201cIt can also<\/p>\n
Communication is key
\nBoth experts agree that the answer isn\u2019t to stop communicating, but to make sure partners understand what each other means.<\/p>\n
\u201cFirstly, harder doesn\u2019t always mean faster, it can mean deeper thrusts that are really slow,\u201d Engle said. \u201cIt doesn\u2019t necessarily mean intense, vigorous jack-hammering and most people don\u2019t like that anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
Asking for clarification, she added, can help remove some of the pressure.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour partner contextualising what they\u2019re saying can be really helpful in alleviating that pressure.\u201d<\/p>\n
Williams echoed that advice, saying honest conversations can make intimacy feel safer and less stressful.<\/p>\n
\u201cHaving an open conversation with your partner about how you\u2019re feeling during sex, and what would help you to feel a greater sense of safety and connectedness could work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Are there any phrases that are a total mood killer for you? Please share your thoughts with us and then pass this story along so we can hear from others!<\/p>\n
READ MORE<\/p>\n
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