Ten months after giving birth to twins, I was still trying to shrink myself small enough for my husband to stop sighing. I thought the worst thing he could do was tell me to cover up in front of his whole family.<\/p>\n
I was wrong.
\nThe worst thing was realizing how long I\u2019d been doing it for him.<\/p>\n
Part One: The Towel
\n\u201cCover yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
My husband dropped a folded white towel onto the table, right next to my half-eaten lunch.<\/p>\n
I looked up at him.<\/p>\n
We were sitting in the shaded caf\u00e9 at Riptide Bay, the giant water park just off the interstate. Ruby was in a wooden high chair on my left, cheerfully crushing a strawberry in her tiny fists while red juice ran down to her wrists. Her twin sister, Rosie, sat on my right, completely devoted to the mission of pulling my sunglasses off the top of my head.<\/p>\n
All around us, families crowded under bright blue umbrellas, eating fries and chicken strips. Somewhere close by, a little kid was wailing about a lost flip-flop. A lifeguard\u2019s whistle shrieked across the park.<\/p>\n
\u201cExcuse me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan nudged the towel closer.<\/p>\n
\u201cPut it around you.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes slid toward the next table.<\/p>\n
Just for a second.<\/p>\n
But I caught it.<\/p>\n
Tessa was sitting there beside Ryan\u2019s younger brother, Cole. Black bikini. Sunglasses. Eating a salad.<\/p>\n
And all at once, I understood.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you embarrassed by me?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan bent down and lowered his voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah, don\u2019t make this worse.\u201d<\/p>\n
For ten months, I had done everything I could think of not to make things worse.<\/p>\n
Ten months of trying to need less.<\/p>\n
Complain less.<\/p>\n
Look less tired.<\/p>\n
Take up less space.<\/p>\n
Ten months of trying not to look like a woman who had grown two human beings at the same time.<\/p>\n
And that afternoon, sitting in a water-park caf\u00e9 with strawberry juice on my arm and a towel next to my plate, something inside me finally refused to go along with it.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t know it yet, but Ryan had picked the worst possible place to say those words.<\/p>\n
His entire family was sitting within earshot.<\/p>\n
Listening.<\/p>\n
And in a few minutes, his father was going to ask to see a photograph.<\/p>\n
One photograph that would turn the whole afternoon upside down.<\/p>\n
Part Two: The Picture I Deleted
\nThree days earlier, my kitchen looked like a banana had detonated in it.<\/p>\n
It was Wednesday, about a quarter past seven in the morning.<\/p>\n
Ruby sat in her high chair finger-painting the tray with mashed banana. Somehow she\u2019d gotten it in her eyebrows and, impressively, inside one ear.<\/p>\n
Rosie had peeled off one of her little pink socks, the ones with ducks printed on them.<\/p>\n
She was chewing it.<\/p>\n
Again.<\/p>\n
\u201cRosie, please stop eating your clothes.\u201d<\/p>\n
She looked me dead in the eye and grinned around the sock, showing off exactly two tiny teeth.<\/p>\n
I laughed and grabbed my phone.<\/p>\n
The twins were ten months old, and most days had started running together into one long blur.<\/p>\n
That was the part nobody warns you about with twins. Days don\u2019t have clean starts or clean finishes. There are just bottles, diapers, crying, naps that never line up, more bottles, more diapers, and the moments when both babies are screaming and you have to pick which one to lift first.<\/p>\n
I hadn\u2019t slept more than three hours in a row since they were born.<\/p>\n
But every so often, there was a little moment worth saving.<\/p>\n
Rosie grinning with a sock in her mouth.<\/p>\n
Ruby with banana in her ear.<\/p>\n
So I took a picture.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when Ryan walked in.<\/p>\n
He was already dressed for work. Crisp blue button-down. Hair neatly combed. Coffee in hand. Cologne. Well-rested.<\/p>\n
He looked like he\u2019d stepped out of a commercial.<\/p>\n
I looked like I hadn\u2019t slept since Tuesday. Faded gray college T-shirt. Dried baby cereal on one shoulder. A messy bun. The same stretchy black pants I\u2019d been living in for days.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan you take one with me in it?\u201d<\/p>\n
I held out my phone.<\/p>\n
Ryan glanced around the kitchen. At the banana. The high chairs. The chaos.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cUnless you know a way to keep them this age until tomorrow.\u201d<\/p>\n
He sighed.<\/p>\n
It was a small sigh.<\/p>\n
But I heard it.<\/p>\n
He took the phone. I crouched down between the two high chairs, and Ruby immediately grabbed a fistful of my hair with her banana-coated hand. I burst out laughing.<\/p>\n
Ryan snapped the picture.<\/p>\n
Then his face changed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll take another one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not going to like that one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLet me see.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cRyan. Give me the phone.\u201d<\/p>\n
He handed it over.<\/p>\n
My hair was a disaster, and now it had banana in it. My eyes looked tired. My whole face looked tired.<\/p>\n
But Ruby was laughing so hard her entire face had scrunched up. Rosie was waving her duck sock in the air like a victory flag.<\/p>\n
And there I was between them, smiling.<\/p>\n
\u201cI like it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan stared at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour face looks really puffy.\u201d<\/p>\n
My smile vanished.<\/p>\n
\u201cPuffy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd that shirt isn\u2019t doing you any favors.\u201d<\/p>\n
He walked over to the fridge and pulled it open.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhen are you finally going back to the gym, Leah?\u201d<\/p>\n
He said it to the inside of the refrigerator instead of to me.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe when I\u2019m not surviving on broken sleep.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re ten months old now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know how old our daughters are.\u201d<\/p>\n
He shut the fridge and turned around holding a yogurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can\u2019t use the pregnancy as an excuse forever.\u201d<\/p>\n
My jaw went tight.<\/p>\n
\u201cI carried twins, Ryan. Two babies. At once. For thirty-five weeks. My C-section went wrong and I needed a second surgery the same day. I lost a lot of blood. I was in the hospital for eight days.\u201d<\/p>\n
He peeled the lid off his yogurt.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd for ten months, I\u2019ve been the one getting up for feedings. Twice a night. Sometimes three times. Sometimes four. You sleep in the guest room because you need your rest for work.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat was your idea.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you asked if I minded, and I didn\u2019t want another fight.\u201d<\/p>\n
I took a breath.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd somehow the thing you\u2019re worried about is the gym? You\u2019re acting like my body has a deadline.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI never said that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan nodded at the phone in my hand.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust delete it. We\u2019ll take a better one later. After you shower.\u201d<\/p>\n
A minute earlier, I had looked at that photo and seen my daughters. Ruby laughing. Rosie with her sock. Banana everywhere.<\/p>\n
Now all I could see was me.<\/p>\n
My cheeks. My arms. My stomach pressing against the shirt. The dark circles under my eyes.<\/p>\n
Puffy.<\/p>\n
I hit delete.<\/p>\n
Ryan picked up his coffee like nothing had happened.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh, by the way, Dad called last night. He and Mom are taking everyone to the water park on Saturday for their anniversary.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat sounds nice.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCole and Tessa are coming.\u201d<\/p>\n
My hand stopped moving.<\/p>\n
Cole was Ryan\u2019s twenty-eight-year-old little brother. The fun one. He sold boats for a living and wore sunglasses on his head even indoors.<\/p>\n
Tessa was his girlfriend. Twenty-five. A personal trainer at a pricey gym downtown.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d only met her twice, and she\u2019d always been perfectly kind to me.<\/p>\n
But I\u2019d heard Ryan talk about her.<\/p>\n
Tessa runs half marathons.<\/p>\n
Tessa can do fifty push-ups.<\/p>\n
Tessa looks amazing on Instagram.<\/p>\n
Tessa can pull off anything.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d tried very hard not to care.<\/p>\n
\u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan looked me up and down. Messy bun. Old shirt. Bare feet. Stretchy pants.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust think carefully about what you wear.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTo a water park?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Say what you mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
He picked up his keys.<\/p>\n
\u201cWear something long over your swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s July.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen you\u2019ll be warm.\u201d<\/p>\n
And he walked out the door.<\/p>\n
I stood there holding a damp washcloth. Ruby slapped both palms on her freshly wiped tray, demanding more banana. Rosie put the sock back in her mouth.<\/p>\n
I picked up my phone, opened my photo gallery, and scrolled to the spot where the picture had been.<\/p>\n
There was just a gap now.<\/p>\n
And it hit me.<\/p>\n
Ryan hadn\u2019t deleted that photo.<\/p>\n
I had.<\/p>\n
Part Three: The Fast, Angry Mermaid
\nI wish I could tell you all of this started at the water park.<\/p>\n
It didn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
Before the twins, I was a swimmer. A real one. I competed in college, two-hundred-meter butterfly. I wasn\u2019t Olympic material, but I was good. My medals were still packed away in a shoebox in the closet.<\/p>\n
When Ryan met me, I was twenty-six and swimming laps at the YMCA three mornings a week. Sometimes he\u2019d sit up in the bleachers with a coffee and cheer every time I nailed a flip turn.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look like a mermaid,\u201d he told me once. \u201cA really fast, really angry mermaid.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed so hard I swallowed half the pool.<\/p>\n
Then I got pregnant.<\/p>\n
My body changed. Of course it did. That\u2019s what bodies do. And with twins, it changed fast. At five months, I looked full-term. By seven months, my feet were a distant memory. Near the end, crossing a room felt like an expedition.<\/p>\n
Somewhere in the middle of that pregnancy, Ryan started making comments.<\/p>\n
Little ones, at first.<\/p>\n
\u201cDo you really need seconds?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWow, you\u2019re really showing.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe skip the ice cream tonight.\u201d<\/p>\n
I told myself he was worried about my health.<\/p>\n
Then the twins came, and the comments got worse.<\/p>\n
The C-section went wrong. I remember hearing both babies cry. Then alarms. People moving fast. Someone saying I was bleeding in a voice that was far too calm.<\/p>\n
They had to take me back into surgery. I lost a lot of blood. I spent eight days in the hospital. I couldn\u2019t lift my own babies for two weeks, and I couldn\u2019t drive for six.<\/p>\n
When I finally got home, my stomach was soft and creased, with a long red scar running low across it.<\/p>\n
Three weeks later, Ryan\u2019s company held a picnic. I wore a loose sundress because it was one of the only things that fit.<\/p>\n
On the drive over, Ryan glanced at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe mention that you just had the babies. So people don\u2019t think you normally look like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed because I assumed he was kidding.<\/p>\n
He wasn\u2019t.<\/p>\n
After that, the comments never really stopped.<\/p>\n
When I bought jeans in a bigger size: \u201cWow.\u201d<\/p>\n
When I took a cookie at his mother\u2019s house: \u201cOh, we\u2019re doing cookies now?\u201d<\/p>\n
When I bought a dark green dress for his cousin\u2019s wedding, one I actually felt pretty in: \u201cIs that what you\u2019re wearing?\u201d<\/p>\n
I changed three times. In the end, I wore black from head to toe.<\/p>\n
At Christmas, Ryan asked the photographer to crop the family portrait.<\/p>\n
\u201cShoulders up for Leah. She\u2019ll thank me.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I did.<\/p>\n
I actually thanked him.<\/p>\n
Part Four: The Dark Blue Swimsuit
\nSaturday morning, I stood in front of our bedroom mirror in the swimsuit I\u2019d bought for the water park.<\/p>\n
Dark blue. One piece. Simple. No skirt, no ruffles, nothing designed to hide me.<\/p>\n
I\u2019d tried on eleven swimsuits at Target while both babies fussed in their double stroller just outside the fitting-room curtain. I almost walked out empty-handed.<\/p>\n
Then I tried this one.<\/p>\n
For the first time in ten months, I didn\u2019t hate what I saw.<\/p>\n
It was comfortable. It stayed put. It didn\u2019t pinch or dig anywhere.<\/p>\n
I looked at my stomach. My hips. My arms. My thighs.<\/p>\n
The body that had grown two people.<\/p>\n
The swimsuit was comfortable. For once, that felt like enough.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou can live with this, Leah,\u201d I told my reflection.<\/p>\n
Ryan walked into the bedroom.<\/p>\n
He stopped.<\/p>\n
I saw his face in the mirror.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
He frowned. \u201cI didn\u2019t say anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour face did.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes went to the white cover-up lying on the bed.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re not wearing that?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m bringing it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean over the swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah. I\u2019m serious.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSo am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
He rubbed his forehead like I was giving him a migraine.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy do you always have to make everything harder?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned around to face him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m putting on a swimsuit to go to a water park. You\u2019re the one making it complicated.\u201d<\/p>\n
His jaw clenched.<\/p>\n
\u201cHave you seen Tessa in a swimsuit?\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhat does your brother\u2019s girlfriend have to do with me?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Say it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He hesitated.<\/p>\n
\u201cTessa actually looks good in a swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
For a moment, I couldn\u2019t speak.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s twenty-five, Ryan. She\u2019s a personal trainer. Being in a gym is literally her job. I carried twins and had major surgery twice in one day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey\u2019re ten months old now.\u201d<\/p>\n
There it was again. Ten months. As if my body came with an expiration date.<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what happens after ten months? Do I get fined? Is there a late fee because I don\u2019t look like Tessa yet?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah, stop.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, I\u2019m asking. Ten months? Eleven? A year? When exactly am I required to look like someone who never had twins?\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan pointed at the cover-up.<\/p>\n
\u201cJust wear it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice dropped low.<\/p>\n
\u201cThen I don\u2019t think you should come.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stared at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re uninviting me from your own parents\u2019 anniversary because you don\u2019t like how I look in a swimsuit?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want to spend the whole day pretending people aren\u2019t staring.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWho is staring?\u201d<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t answer.<\/p>\n
I picked up the beach bag I\u2019d already packed. Diapers. Wipes. Sunscreen. Swim diapers. Sun hats. Snacks. Bottles.<\/p>\n
And the cover-up.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour parents invited me themselves. Your mother called me on Thursday. The girls are celebrating their grandparents\u2019 fortieth anniversary, and so am I.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan shook his head.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine. But don\u2019t blame me when you\u2019re uncomfortable all day.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cMaybe I will be. But you don\u2019t get to make that choice for me.\u201d<\/p>\n
The drive took forty minutes. Ryan didn\u2019t say a word. The twins slept in the back seat. I watched cornfields smear past the window and thought about those medals in the shoebox.<\/p>\n
About the girl who used to fly through the water while a boy with a coffee cheered for her.<\/p>\n
I wondered where she had gone.<\/p>\n
Part Five: \u201cIts Job Is Swimming\u201d
\nAt the water park, Margaret spotted us first.<\/p>\n
Ryan\u2019s mother came hurrying across the parking lot under an enormous pink sun hat.<\/p>\n
\u201cHand me Rosie before she forgets who spoils her.\u201d<\/p>\n
I passed Rosie over.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe won\u2019t forget. She\u2019s already looking for your purse.\u201d<\/p>\n
Margaret laughed and kissed Rosie\u2019s head. Then she kissed mine.<\/p>\n
\u201cHi, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
Walter came up behind her. Ryan\u2019s father was sixty-seven, tall and soft-spoken, a retired high-school principal. From the first time I\u2019d met him sixteen years earlier, he had always made me feel like I belonged.<\/p>\n
\u201cHappy anniversary,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
He kissed my cheek. \u201cI\u2019m glad you\u2019re here, sweetheart.\u201d<\/p>\n
Those words landed somewhere tender. I\u2019m glad you\u2019re here.<\/p>\n
\u201cThank you. I wanted the girls to celebrate with you. Forty years is really something.\u201d<\/p>\n
Walter smiled over at Margaret. \u201cForty years, and she still laughs at my jokes.\u201d<\/p>\n
Margaret shook her head. \u201cI don\u2019t. I just make the noise.\u201d<\/p>\n
A few minutes later, Cole and Tessa pulled in.<\/p>\n
Tessa looked exactly the way I\u2019d pictured. Tall. Fit. Black bikini. Dark ponytail.<\/p>\n
But when she saw me, her smile was warm.<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah! Look at the girls! They\u2019ve gotten so big!\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThey eat like tiny sharks.\u201d<\/p>\n
She laughed. Then her eyes dropped to my swimsuit.<\/p>\n
\u201cI love that suit.\u201d<\/p>\n
I glanced down. \u201cIt\u2019s doing a lot of work.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tessa frowned at me. \u201cIt\u2019s a swimsuit. Its job is swimming. That\u2019s all it has to do.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
And for the first time all morning, I stopped tugging at the fabric over my hips.<\/p>\n
Then Margaret announced another surprise: she\u2019d hired a photographer named Marcus for the whole day. Candid shots of everyone having fun, and one proper family portrait before we went home.<\/p>\n
I loved the idea. I wanted pictures of the twins splashing with their grandparents. I wanted memories.<\/p>\n
I glanced over at Ryan.<\/p>\n
His face had gone tight.<\/p>\n
He looked at the photographer. Then at me. Then at Tessa.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t say a word.<\/p>\n
Part Six: \u201cLater\u201d
\nThe morning was wonderful.<\/p>\n
We took the babies to the shallow pool. Ruby hated it. Rosie adored it. Walter crawled through the water chasing her around a whale-shaped fountain until she laughed so hard she got the hiccups.<\/p>\n
Marcus photographed all of it.<\/p>\n
For almost an hour, I sat on the edge of the pool in my swimsuit, and I didn\u2019t think about my stomach once.<\/p>\n
Later, Tessa sat down beside me.<\/p>\n
\u201cCan I ask you something?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWere you a competitive swimmer?\u201d<\/p>\n
I turned to look at her. \u201cHow did you know?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYour shoulders. Swimmers carry themselves a certain way. And you walked into the water like you owned it.\u201d She smiled. \u201cI swam in high school. I was terrible.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTwo-hundred fly. In college.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes went wide. \u201cButterfly? That event is brutal.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cIt really is.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re a monster.\u201d<\/p>\n
She said it like the highest compliment in the world. I laughed.<\/p>\n
Then Tessa got quieter.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mom had twins. My little brothers.\u201d She looked out at the water. \u201cShe had a really hard time afterward. With her body. My dad used to make comments about her weight. Little jokes.\u201d<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t say anything.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think that\u2019s part of why I became a trainer. I wanted women to feel strong. Not skinny. Strong. There\u2019s a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then she looked straight at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour body did something incredibly hard, Leah. Two babies at once. Nobody should be telling you anything except \u2018good job.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n
I swallowed hard. \u201cThank you, Tessa.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI mean it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
A little later, I was sitting under one of the blue umbrellas with Ruby and Rosie. Ryan was standing by the pool, taking pictures on his phone.<\/p>\n
Of Cole and Tessa.<\/p>\n
Tessa climbed onto Cole\u2019s back. They were laughing.<\/p>\n
Ryan took one picture. Then another. Then another.<\/p>\n
\u201cRyan?\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked over. \u201cYeah?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cCould you take one of me with the girls? They\u2019re being so cute right now.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLater.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
He walked over and looked at me. At my swimsuit. At my arms.<\/p>\n
\u201cBecause you\u2019ll make me take twelve and then hate every single one.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI won\u2019t.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou always do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI just want one picture with my daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n
He leaned in.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re going to complain about how you look. I just don\u2019t think they\u2019ll come out the way you want.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen don\u2019t look at it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ll still know it exists.\u201d<\/p>\n
And he turned and walked back toward Cole and Tessa.<\/p>\n
Something inside me went completely quiet.<\/p>\n
Not angry. Not sad.<\/p>\n
Just still.<\/p>\n
Like being underwater.<\/p>\n
Part Seven: \u201cEspecially Next to Tessa\u201d
\nAn hour later, we were all having lunch in the caf\u00e9.<\/p>\n
Ruby crushed a strawberry. Rosie snatched my sunglasses. I was laughing, trying to wrestle them back.<\/p>\n
Across the caf\u00e9, Marcus raised his camera.<\/p>\n
Click.<\/p>\n
I never noticed.<\/p>\n
Then Ryan walked over carrying a white towel and dropped it beside my plate.<\/p>\n
\u201cCover yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
And that was the moment everything finally cracked open.<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah. Just do it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m eating. I\u2019m feeding our daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cPut it around you. Cover your hips, for God\u2019s sake.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes went to Tessa.<\/p>\n
I followed them. Then I looked back at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cAre you embarrassed by me?\u201d<\/p>\n
His jaw tightened. \u201cDon\u2019t do this here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou came over here.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cSay it.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice rose just enough for every table around us to hear.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou just don\u2019t look attractive in that swimsuit, okay? Especially sitting next to Tessa.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tessa went rigid.<\/p>\n
Cole shoved his chair back from the table. \u201cWhat the hell, Ryan?\u201d<\/p>\n
Tessa turned all the way around to face him. \u201cDid you seriously just say that about your wife? And why are you dragging me into it?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cStay out of this.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou put me in it. I was literally eating a salad.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan glanced around at all the faces watching him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m just being honest. Somebody has to be.\u201d<\/p>\n
I picked up the towel.<\/p>\n
For a second, Ryan\u2019s shoulders relaxed. He thought I was going to wrap it around myself.<\/p>\n
Like I always did.<\/p>\n
Like I\u2019d changed out of the green dress.<\/p>\n
Like I\u2019d deleted that photo.<\/p>\n
Instead, I folded the towel neatly. Once. Then again.<\/p>\n
And I set it down on the empty chair beside me.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He blinked. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not covering myself because you decided another woman looks better than I do.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo, Ryan.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tessa leaned toward me. \u201cLeah, I swear I never asked him to compare us. I barely even know him.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know. You didn\u2019t do anything wrong. He just thinks he\u2019s allowed to use you like that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan threw a hand in the air. \u201cCan everyone stop acting like this is some huge betrayal? It\u2019s a swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
That\u2019s when Walter spoke.<\/p>\n
\u201cRyan.\u201d<\/p>\n
Just his name.<\/p>\n
But Ryan went still instantly.<\/p>\n
Walter turned to the photographer.<\/p>\n
\u201cMarcus, would you show us the picture you just took? The one of Leah and the twins?\u201d<\/p>\n
Part Eight: Two Photographs, Ten Seconds Apart
\nMarcus hesitated. \u201cSure.\u201d<\/p>\n
He pulled out a tablet and opened the photo.<\/p>\n
My stomach knotted. The last thing I wanted was everyone staring at a picture of me in a swimsuit.<\/p>\n
Walter turned the screen so we could all see.<\/p>\n
There I was.<\/p>\n
Dark blue swimsuit. Blue umbrella. Rosie holding my sunglasses triumphantly over her head. Ruby reaching for me with strawberry-red hands.<\/p>\n
And me.<\/p>\n
Head tipped back.<\/p>\n
Laughing. Really laughing.<\/p>\n
My hair was messy. I looked exhausted.<\/p>\n
But those weren\u2019t the first things I saw.<\/p>\n
I looked happy.<\/p>\n
Walter smiled. \u201cThat\u2019s the one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan groaned. \u201cDad.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s the one I want printed big for the living room.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan stared at him. \u201cYou know what I mean.\u201d<\/p>\n
Walter looked down at the screen.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see Leah laughing with my granddaughters.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he looked up at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cShe\u2019s beautiful.\u201d<\/p>\n
Margaret came around behind my chair and rested her hand on my shoulder.<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t say anything. She didn\u2019t need to.<\/p>\n
Then Marcus accidentally swiped to the next photo.<\/p>\n
\u201cOh.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone leaned in.<\/p>\n
The second picture had been taken just seconds after the first. Ryan had stepped into the frame. He was standing over me, holding the towel.<\/p>\n
I was in the same chair. Same swimsuit. Same body. Same babies.<\/p>\n
But my smile was gone.<\/p>\n
My shoulders had rolled forward. My arms had drifted across my stomach. My head was bowed.<\/p>\n
I looked like I was trying to disappear.<\/p>\n
Two photographs.<\/p>\n
Maybe ten seconds apart.<\/p>\n
Same woman. Same body.<\/p>\n
A completely different person.<\/p>\n
Tessa stared at the screen. Then at Ryan.<\/p>\n
Ryan reached for the tablet. \u201cDelete that.\u201d<\/p>\n
I stood up. \u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
I gently took the tablet from Walter\u2019s hands. \u201cI said no.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWhy would you want that picture? You look awful in it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want it.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThen delete it.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at the two photos side by side.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut I needed to see it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan let out a frustrated laugh. \u201cSee what?\u201d<\/p>\n
I swiped back to the first one.<\/p>\n
\u201cA few months ago, I would have looked at this and seen Ruby covered in strawberries. Rosie stealing my sunglasses. I would have seen my daughters.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked up at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNow the first thing I notice is my stomach. My face. My arms. My hips. Because that\u2019s what you taught me to look at first.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah\u2014\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cToo big. Too puffy. Wrong dress. That shirt isn\u2019t doing you any favors. When are you going back to the gym? Cover yourself.\u201d<\/p>\n
His face turned red. \u201cI never said all that.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t lie.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cPlease don\u2019t make me stand here in front of your parents on their anniversary and recite every sentence you\u2019ve said to me, just so you can argue about the wording.\u201d<\/p>\n
For once, Ryan had nothing.<\/p>\n
I turned to Tessa.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry he keeps using you to hurt me.\u201d<\/p>\n
Her eyes widened. \u201cYou don\u2019t owe me an apology.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou never asked to be compared to me. You never asked to be the stick he hits me with.\u201d<\/p>\n
Tessa looked at Ryan. \u201cShe\u2019s right.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cole put a hand on Tessa\u2019s back.<\/p>\n
Ryan threw up both hands. \u201cThis is unbelievable. It\u2019s a water park. It\u2019s a swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
Part Nine: The Empty Space
\nMarcus cleared his throat awkwardly. \u201cDo you all still want the family portrait?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYes,\u201d Ryan said quickly. \u201cLet\u2019s get it over with.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone started getting up.<\/p>\n
\u201cWait,\u201d I said.<\/p>\n
They stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want one picture with my girls first. Just me and them.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan sighed. \u201cFine. Then we\u2019ll do one of the four of us after.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
He looked at me. \u201cWhat?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI said just me, Ruby, and Rosie.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re cutting me out because I told you the truth?\u201d<\/p>\n
I stepped closer to him.<\/p>\n
\u201cI want one photograph where I don\u2019t have to wonder whether my husband approves of how I look.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan stared at me. For once, he had no comeback.<\/p>\n
\u201cFine.\u201d<\/p>\n
Cole tried to stop him. \u201cRyan, come on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. Everybody wants me to be the bad guy? Fine. I\u2019m the bad guy.\u201d<\/p>\n
He turned and walked away. Out of the caf\u00e9. Across the park. Toward the parking lot.<\/p>\n
Nobody followed him.<\/p>\n
Marcus waited a moment, then asked softly, \u201cStill want that picture?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at my daughters.<\/p>\n
\u201cYes. Please.\u201d<\/p>\n
We found a patch of grass beside the lazy river. I sat down in my dark blue swimsuit. Margaret handed me Rosie. Walter handed me Ruby.<\/p>\n
Rosie immediately put my sunglasses on upside down. Ruby grabbed my hair.<\/p>\n
I laughed.<\/p>\n
I didn\u2019t suck in my stomach. I didn\u2019t angle my body. I didn\u2019t pull at the swimsuit.<\/p>\n
I just sat there in the sunshine, laughing with my girls.<\/p>\n
Marcus took picture after picture. Finally, he lowered the camera and smiled.<\/p>\n
\u201cGot it. That\u2019s a really good one.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then we took the big family portrait. Walter and Margaret in the middle. Cole and Tessa on one side. Me and the twins on the other.<\/p>\n
There was an empty space where Ryan should have been standing.<\/p>\n
Walter looked at it. Then at Marcus.<\/p>\n
\u201cLeave it.\u201d<\/p>\n
He paused.<\/p>\n
\u201cLet him see what the empty space looks like.\u201d<\/p>\n
Part Ten: The Woman Who Stopped Singing
\nWalter and Margaret drove me home that evening, since Ryan had taken our car.<\/p>\n
The twins were asleep before we even hit the highway. For a long time, nobody spoke.<\/p>\n
Then, at a red light, Walter looked at me in the rearview mirror.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m sorry, Leah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou didn\u2019t do anything.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI raised him. So somewhere along the way, I did something. Or didn\u2019t do something I should have.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stared ahead at the road.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy father talked to my mother like that. Not about her weight. About her cooking. Her hair. The house. Constant little comments.\u201d<\/p>\n
He swallowed.<\/p>\n
\u201cI promised myself I would never turn into him. And I don\u2019t think I did. But I never sat my boys down and explained why those comments mattered.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went quiet for a moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cMy mother used to sing all the time. In the kitchen. In the car. Then one day, when I was about twelve, she just stopped.\u201d<\/p>\n
His eyes met mine in the mirror.<\/p>\n
\u201cI didn\u2019t even notice until years later. After she was gone.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice softened.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou were laughing today, Leah. In that picture.\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked out the window.<\/p>\n
\u201cI don\u2019t want you to stop laughing.\u201d<\/p>\n
That night, after the girls were asleep, Ryan was waiting for me in our bedroom.<\/p>\n
\u201cSo that\u2019s it? You humiliate me in front of my entire family on my parents\u2019 anniversary and then come home like nothing happened?\u201d<\/p>\n
I set down the laundry basket.<\/p>\n
\u201cYour father showed everyone a photograph. Everything else came out of your own mouth.\u201d<\/p>\n
Ryan looked away. \u201cThis whole thing is about a swimsuit.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cNo.\u201d<\/p>\n
I opened the closet and took out my pajamas.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe swimsuit is just where I finally stopped pretending.\u201d<\/p>\n
His expression shifted. \u201cWhere are you going?\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cThe guest room.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cLeah.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019ve slept in there for ten months because you needed your rest. Now it\u2019s my turn.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stood up. \u201cCome on.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cTomorrow, we\u2019re going to talk about counseling. About parenting. About what this house has felt like since the day I got pregnant.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re threatening our marriage because I said you gained weight?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cNo. I\u2019m deciding whether I want our daughters growing up believing this is how a husband talks to his wife.\u201d<\/p>\n
He went quiet.<\/p>\n
\u201cRuby and Rosie will be ten someday. Then fifteen. Then twenty-five. They\u2019ll have bodies. They\u2019ll look in mirrors. And every single thing you say about my body in front of them will eventually become something they hear about their own.\u201d<\/p>\n
I picked up my pillow.<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m not going to let you teach our daughters to delete pictures of themselves.\u201d<\/p>\n
And I walked down the hall.<\/p>\n
Part Eleven: Learning a New Language
\nThe weeks after that were hard.<\/p>\n
Ryan pushed back at first. Eventually, he agreed to counseling, and we started seeing a therapist named Dr. Helen Ortiz.<\/p>\n
In our very first session, Ryan spent nearly an hour explaining himself. He\u2019d only been worried about my health. He wanted me to feel good about myself. He was just being honest. I was too sensitive. Everything he\u2019d said had come from love.<\/p>\n
Dr. Ortiz listened without interrupting.<\/p>\n
Then she asked, \u201cRyan, when you look at your wife, what\u2019s the first thing you see?\u201d<\/p>\n
He opened his mouth.<\/p>\n
Nothing came out.<\/p>\n
Finally, he looked over at me.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see that she\u2019s tired.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cAnd what else?\u201d<\/p>\n
He was quiet for a long moment.<\/p>\n
\u201cI see that she used to swim.\u201d<\/p>\n
His voice cracked.<\/p>\n
\u201cI used to watch her. She was so fast. She was so happy.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped. When he spoke again, it was barely a whisper.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I made her less happy. I think I did that.\u201d<\/p>\n
He stopped. When he spoke again, it was barely a whisper.<\/p>\n
\u201cI think I made her less happy. I think I did that.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dr. Ortiz handed him a tissue.<\/p>\n
Change took months.<\/p>\n
Some sessions were awful. Some ended in arguments. Others ended in tears.<\/p>\n
But slowly, things started to shift.<\/p>\n
Ryan began putting the girls to bed every night. Baths. Pajamas. Bottles. Books. He started taking the two a.m. feeding every other night. He stopped commenting on what I ate. He stopped criticizing what I wore.<\/p>\n
One evening, I came downstairs in the dark green dress, the one I\u2019d taken off months earlier.<\/p>\n
Ryan looked up. His mouth opened.<\/p>\n
Then he caught himself.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look nice.\u201d<\/p>\n
It came out a little stiff. Like he was learning a new language.<\/p>\n
But he said it.<\/p>\n
Months later, while I folded laundry and Ryan rocked Rosie against his chest, he asked, \u201cAm I doing better?\u201d<\/p>\n
I looked at him.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf you want this marriage, don\u2019t tell me you\u2019ve changed. And don\u2019t ask me if you have.\u201d<\/p>\n
He waited.<\/p>\n
\u201cShow me. Every day. For a long time. Eventually, I\u2019ll notice without you having to ask.\u201d<\/p>\n
He nodded. \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n
Part Twelve: Eleven by Fourteen
\nA few weeks later, Margaret mailed us the photos from the anniversary.<\/p>\n
There were dozens. Walter chasing Rosie around the fountain. Margaret cuddling Ruby. Cole and Tessa laughing in the pool.<\/p>\n
The family portrait with the empty space.<\/p>\n
Ryan stared at that one for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then I found mine.<\/p>\n
The photo by the lazy river. Rosie in my sunglasses, upside down. Ruby giggling in my lap. My dark blue swimsuit. My stomach. My thighs. My arms.<\/p>\n
And me. Laughing.<\/p>\n
I sat on the living-room floor and looked at it for a very long time.<\/p>\n
The next morning, I had it printed eleven by fourteen. I bought a simple white frame and hung it right above our couch, where anyone who walked into our house would see it.<\/p>\n
That evening, Ryan came home and stopped in front of it.<\/p>\n
I braced myself. For a comment. A look. A suggestion that maybe a different picture would be better.<\/p>\n
Instead, he stepped closer and straightened the frame. It had been hanging slightly crooked.<\/p>\n
\u201cThat\u2019s a really good picture.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he went into the kitchen and started making dinner.<\/p>\n
Part Thirteen: The Bleachers
\nIt\u2019s been almost a year now.<\/p>\n
We still go to counseling every other Tuesday. Ryan still slips sometimes. Last month, he started to say something about a dessert I\u2019d ordered, and halfway through the sentence, he stopped.<\/p>\n
\u201cSorry. That\u2019s not mine to say.\u201d<\/p>\n
Then he ordered one for himself, too.<\/p>\n
Tessa and I have lunch together sometimes now. She\u2019s been teaching me how to lift weights. Not because I want to be thinner. Because I want to feel strong.<\/p>\n
\u201cStrong,\u201d she always tells me. \u201cNot skinny. Strong. There\u2019s a difference.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI know.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019m going to keep saying it anyway.\u201d<\/p>\n
And last week, I did something I hadn\u2019t done in almost three years.<\/p>\n
I went back to the YMCA.<\/p>\n
Six in the morning. Dark blue swimsuit.<\/p>\n
I stood at the edge of the pool for a long time.<\/p>\n
Then I dove in.<\/p>\n
I swam fifty meters of butterfly. Badly. My arms were weak. My kick was sluggish. I had to stop twice.<\/p>\n
When I finally hauled myself out of the water, gasping and shaking, I heard someone clapping.<\/p>\n
I looked up at the bleachers.<\/p>\n
Ryan was sitting there with a cup of coffee. The twins were asleep beside him in their double stroller.<\/p>\n
He had gotten up at five-thirty. Dressed them. Packed the diaper bag. Driven them to the YMCA.<\/p>\n
And never said a word to me about coming.<\/p>\n
He kept clapping.<\/p>\n
\u201cYou look like a mermaid!\u201d<\/p>\n
I just stared at him.<\/p>\n
Then he grinned.<\/p>\n
\u201cA really slow, really tired mermaid.\u201d<\/p>\n
I laughed so hard I nearly fell back into the pool.<\/p>\n
For almost a year after the twins were born, I deleted nearly every photo of myself. Over and over, until my phone was full of pictures of my daughters, with empty spaces where their mother should have been.<\/p>\n
Nobody physically forced me to press delete.<\/p>\n
I did that myself.<\/p>\n
But somewhere along the way, I\u2019d learned that I should.<\/p>\n
Now there\u2019s an eleven-by-fourteen photograph hanging above my couch. A simple white frame. A woman in a dark blue swimsuit, sitting on the grass with two babies in her lap. One of them is wearing sunglasses upside down.<\/p>\n
The woman is laughing.<\/p>\n
That photograph stays.<\/p>\n
It is never coming down.<\/p>\n
Because this time, I didn\u2019t delete myself.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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